Sometimes

Beginning lyrics to a song that came to me while driving home tonight on 47.

Sometimes

I think about

how you looked

walking up the stairs.

And sometimes

I wonder why

you didn’t call.

But…

Sometimes

I remember all

the little reasons

it wouldn’t work

through all the seasons

but still…

Sometimes

I think about

your funny laugh

and that day

in the bath.

And sometimes

I see that look

that you gave me

but…

Sometimes

I remember all

the little reasons

it wouldn’t work

through all the seasons

but still…

Sometimes

I’m not quite sure

if I lost you

or you lost me

or exactly where

I’m supposed to be

the clouds move in

the sky grows dark

the curtain falls

……..

[not sure of the remaining lyrics]

The Great Circle

Many cultures think of life as being a great circle. I believe there are many little circles that are contained within the great one. Today I completed one of those: my marriage has come to its end after 4636 days.  And to paraphrase T.S. Elliot, it ended “not with a bang, but a whimper.” Appropriate, I think, because it started with such a bang: the wedding reception was one that folks still talk about with fondness. Ironic, because after a year of negotiations we stood in front of the judge for less than 10 minutes.

On New Year’s Eve, I climbed Mt. Sugarloaf in S. Deerfield (twice actually in less than an hour) to mark the end of 2007 and beginning of 2008, a “year of new beginnings” as I called it then. And it has been, starting with that very night itself in Northampton. There have been good beginnings, along with some sad and all-too-abrupt endings as well. But I feel that I’ve been learning from each and every circle, and things are improving.

I feel energized and calm at the same time, a very optimistic combination. After getting home from the courthouse, I grabbed the unused bottle of champagne from the fridge and joined Matt for a tour of his new home. After some grocery shopping, I went for rollerblading for full hour. It felt great. Then I showered, changed and grabbed the camera gear for a hike up Mt. Sugarloaf, where I took tons of photos of the sunset and some long-exposure shots of Sunderland and the bridge in the twilight.

My thoughts about future relationship needs and desires are gelling and becoming clearer, as well. It’s helping me focus my energies in that part of my life, as well as allowing me to feel very comfortable with being on my own for the foreseeable future.

First Things First.

Life Perspective

I’m headed to Family Court in just over 2 hours. Debbie is seeking “sole physical custody” of our kids, along with child support and “reasonable visitation” for me.  It’s a surreal feeling that I’m experiencing right now.

Meanwhile, my friend Matt and his family will be closing on their new home and taking possession of it this morning. As they’ve been preparing for that, over a million people in China have been evacuated from their homes because an unstable earthquake-related lake threatened to flood areas downstream should its banks collapse.

There’s a real balancing act at play in the universe. I hope it finds a fair equilibrium in Greenfield this morning.

Integrity

I don’t think I ended the day yesterday in integrity with myself. I was overtired, looking to avoid any encounter with my neighbor, and didn’t want to deal with kitchen clean-up. So I headed to The Lady Killigrew after tucking the kids into bed at their mom’s house.

I didn’t stay there late, but I didn’t do anything of value or importance, either. Internally unfocused is what I was. I’ll make the right choice next time.

Had a great time with the kids yesterday, though. They swam for a bit, then we all played catch on the lawn again. Carlyn is getting better every day with her throwing, although her catching still needs more practice. Marshall’s throws are getting longer and his accuracy is more consistent. I think everyone was relaxed and happy.

Busy day today, at least at the start. First things first: need to get the car inspected and have the oil changed. Then it’s time to upgrade Gandalf (one of our Mac servers) to Leopard and get a photo website established.

A Good Day

Beautiful weather, with long stretches of internal calmness. I think this mindfulness stuff works. And I’m trying to keep working on relationships, because they are most important with a capital “I” in the long run.

I had a great, relaxing time with the kids tonight. The three of us played catch out on the apartment lawn for about 40 minutes, then ate a good dinner of balsamic-maple glazed chicken, roasted asparagus, salad and vegetable samosas. M&C would have eaten even more asparagus if I had cooked it. Next time, for sure.

I feel mostly OK heading into the next 48 hours, with a little trepidation. But I think if we end up in court on Monday, then it will be sad but necessary. There has to be a level playing field, so the kids are not going from rich house to poor house. I hope they’ll have a “poor house” to come to, for that matter, but they won’t if she has her way. I don’t think she understands that, really.

Time for 10 more minutes of “Peace is Every Step” and then sleep.

Remember

I had a very real-feeling dream about my dad a couple of nights ago. He was back from the dead, looking healthy, undergoing some new treatment to cure his Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. The dream covered a couple of days, and we could see his mind coming back little by little. He was so happy and full of joy. One particular scene I remember: he was lounging on the deck of a small white sailboat, smiling and waving as the boat was lifted off a lawn by a few large, round helium-filled balloons. They looked old-fashioned, silvery grey and covered with netting that attached to the sailboat. I remember thinking “this can’t be real” and of course it wasn’t, but the love and joy I felt in my heart sure was.

I think I had a successful day of mindfulness, being aware of where I was and what I was doing at most moments, breathing and smiling as often as possible. Inside me, it feels like it made a difference. I also made a promise to myself that I would only hit the snooze button once this morning, and kept that promise. I am doing it again tomorrow morning.

Today was also a good day for nurturing friendships. Had coffee with one faculty member, made plans to go out for beers with another, worked with my departmental director to fix a minor SL problem. Talked on the phone with MG and my mom.

Tonight, I went to Marshall’s band concert and heard him play his clarinet. He looked like he was having fun. I took lots of photos and tried to email the proper images to the respective families later, but for various reasons the first three mailings failed. So I’m going to just post them all online tomorrow and tell people where to find and download them. I think in the past this would frustrate me, but I’m just feeling tired and happy now. I also decided to have business cards made to hand out to people when I take photos.

Time to get in bed and read a little more Thich Nhat Hanh before sleeping.

Current song: “How We Operate” by Gomez. Previously, it was “Good Morning Spacegirl” by Anubian Lights.

Another Step Forward

Once again, I started something and didn’t continue with it. So many reasons, not important enough to discuss at length now. “Important” being the key word.

I’m re-dedicating myself to doing only the things that are really important. And I will do this on a daily basis.

Last night I had a wonderful, long, involved dream in which my dad was back with us and recovering from the Parkinson’s Disease and Alzheimer’s that robbed him of his mind in his last years. He was happy, joyful, and full of magic. That’s how I want to live my life.

The past two days were both relaxing and different for me. I spent time exercising at the gym, helping out at my friend Keith‘s farm (over four hours of rototilling yesterday!), and reading. Today I hiked up to Poet’s Seat in Greenfield, taking photos along the way.

I recently finished reading the book I mentioned in an earlier post (“Wherever You Go There You Are”) and have begun reading “Full Catastrophe Living” by the same author. I bought it the last time I had lunch with a special person whom I would like to spend more time with in the future. My interactions with her have spurred me to read books by the Vietnamese Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh. I’ve already finished “The Miracle of Mindfulness” and tonight picked up a copy of “Peace Is Every Step” while at Barnes & Noble with my friend Matt. I am also reading “First Things First” by Stephen Covey.

Now it’s time to finish folding clothes and get to sleep.

Wherever You Go

I’ve been reading (actually, re-reading) Jon Kabat-Zinn’s “Wherever You Go There You Are,” his how-to book on “mindfulness meditation in everyday life.” Along the way, I’ve been keeping very short notes (just phrases, actually) that I hope to put together as a poster for my bedroom wall. Something that I can look at every morning when I wake up and every night before turning out the light. These are the phrases so far…

Stop. Die every day. Then go again.

What now? Now, what?

What’s left undone?

What’s important?

This is it. This is it. This is it.

Am I awake?

Trust your intuition.

Pay attention.

Be aware.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Picking up where I left off with yesterday’s post, I’ve started reading an interesting article in the latest issue of “Psychology Today” called “Adieu to All That.” As you might guess, it’s about endings in life: jobs, relationships, death, marriages. It’s definitely relevant to my life right now. But I’m not sure I agree with all of the article’s statements.

“We remember only a small percentage of life’s events, yet beginnings and endings (two sides of the same coin) are far easier to recall than muddled middles. Because they are among the relatively few crystal memories we sustain, final impressions are enormously influential in shaping our life story.”

I don’t buy into the idea that we remember beginnings and endings any better than individual events “in the middle” of things. In my case, I feel like I remember the latter better than the former. Specific moments in my life stand out much clearer than the processes of beginnings or endings, almost as if they were snapshots capturing all five senses (or six, if you include emotion as a sense).

“And the [life] story flows better when it is capped by closure–the subjective state that denotes a memory that is no longer emotionally charged. Memories are “open” when recollected with great feeling and “closed” when they don’t conjure up much passion, however dramatic the original event may have been. Open memories are the ones we still struggle to understand. We think about them often, and see them as relevant to our current lives. Closed memories, on the other hand, don’t haunt us. The are truly past.”

It’s always been interesting to me when I realize consciously that a memory has become closed as described above. I wonder what’s changed in myself and my circumstances to enable that memory’s transition. By the same token, I think I spend more time wondering what hasn’t changed about myself that keeps certain memories open and able to trigger strong emotions. Perspective has a lot to do with it, apparently.

“University of Arkansas psychologist Denise Beike finds that it’s not how you end something but rather how you remember it that ultimately counts. Her research shows that dwelling on open memories decreases self-esteem while increasing self-awareness. […] Closed memories, on the other hand, free people to pursue other goals, because they aren’t bogged down in the past. Closing more of your memories is even good for physical health, Beike says.”

PBS had (maybe still does) a series of ads during the kids show that were about having perspective, and ran with the tag line that “it’s all in how you look at it.” Perspective, and the ability to keep moving forward, seem like important mental tools to have in your bag of tricks.

Been A Long Time

I haven’t had an active weblog since 2005, when I last posted something about the bird flu. Lots of changes since then: switched jobs, lost my dad to Parkinson’s Disease, ended my marriage, started living alone for the first time in 14 years. 2007 has been a year of endings. Endings and beginnings seem to go together, as someone said to me today. So, I’m planning on 2008 being a year of great new beginnings. One of them is this blog, which I hope to keep up on a daily basis. Let’s see how long I can keep it up.